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Funny Scottish Books by your webmaster - click on an image for more details

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Scottish . biz . . . everything about Scotland

Scottish Books - a selection of books written by Scottish Writers or about Scotland.

Title and author : A Midge in Your Hand is Worth Two Up Your Kilt by Stuart McLean

A wonderful book of modern Scottish proverbs that will delight your wit and tickle your humour. Inspired by the wisdom of Scotland, written by Stuart McLean and published by Crombie Jardine.

 A Midge in Your Hand is Worth Two up Your Kilt.

The Scottish language is rich in proverbs, sayings, maxims and wise aphorisms. Sadly, in the transition from the abacus to the computer most of these have become outdated. This hilarious, little book thrusts these expressions into the twenty-first century providing millennia of wisdom in a usable modern format. It covers everything from bagpipes to whisky with a few mentions of our dear neighbours, the Sassenachs thrown in.

So whether you are Scottish, a tourist visiting Scotland, an illegal immigrant gutting fish on Shetland or find this book abandoned on a Trans-Siberian train you are sure to be inspired and amused by our wit and wisdom.

The section on chat-up lines and insults will certainly help you should you venture into a Scottish pub or nightclub and could make the difference between getting a French kiss or a Glasgow kiss.



Extracts from A Midge in Your Hand is Worth Two up Your Kilt.


Old Scottish Proverbs Revamped


When ye christen the bairn ye should ken what to caa't.

 Never arrange the christening until the paternity suit is settled.


Lang may yer lum reek.

            May your energy efficient Baxi Boiler continue to operate without the pilot light extinguishing unexpectedly.



A bairn maun creep afore it gangs.

            A youngster must achieve it’s first ASBO before it can be considered worthy of membership to a gang.


The deil’s aye guid tae his ain kin.

            Getting a bum deal from God? Tune in and turn on to the Devil and you could be this week’s lottery winner. (Note: All calls cost one soul – mobile phone rates may vary.)



As poor as a kirk mouse.

As poor as a Wester Hailes mouse the day after the Dole money has been pissed against a wall.


Bairns speak i' the field what they hear i' the ha'.

            Please miss ma maw’s having an affair wae the man next door . . . and so is ma da’.


Birds and blethers fly.

            Carrier pigeons and emails are great ways of spreading malicious gossip.


The wan wi’ the ladder’s as bad as the thief.

            Never, ever trust your window cleaner.


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