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Funny Scottish Books by your webmaster - click on an image for more details

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haggis joke book


 

 
 
 
 
Scottish . biz . . . everything about Scotland

Scottish Books - a selection of books written by Scottish Writers or about Scotland.

Title and author : Why Did the Haggis Cross the Road by Stuart McLean

Why Did The Haggis Cross the Road?


Scotland is an amazing, unique country with so much to celebrate: spectacular islands, mountains, glens and lochs; a wonderful culture of music, poetry and dance; a proud, though sometimes tragic history; a national football squad that can hold its own against some of the best Girl Guide teams in the world...

Then there's haggis, the Loch Ness Monster, the kilt, whisky, Irn-Bru, heather, thistles, bagpipes and so on...But there's one thing the Scots as a nation do particularly well: they take the piss out of all of this! Yes - when the Scots tell a joke it's usually at their own expense. So this collection of gems pokes fun at just about everyone and everything from kilts and haggis through footie and thriftiness to Sassenachs, Teeries, and Glaswegians.

Some of the jokes are old favourites retold, some are brand new, and some are a few specimens found on that internet thingy which have been massaged to make them almost funny.

Contents:
Haggis Jokes
Nessie Jokes
Kilts & Tartan Jokes
Assorted Jokes
Football Jokes
Bagpipe Jokes
Whisky Jokes
The Worst Scottish Jokes
The Scottish Character
Cannie Scots Jokes
The Rougher Side of Life
Scottish Light Bulb Jokes
Scottish Knock Knock Jokes
Love of Sheep
Glasgow Pub Quiz
Some Truly Scottish Insults
Why did the haggis cross the road . . .



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Extracts:

Tartan & Kilt Jokes

A Japanese businessman goes into a kilt-makers to enquire about having kilts made for his entire family. Realising that there’s a massive profit to be made the kilt-maker is keen to get the sale.
“The only problem,” says the business man, “is that I don’t expect we belong to any Scottish Clan.”
“Actually you do,” says the kilt-maker without hesitation, “Tokushimanachahati is part of the MacGullible Clan – we have plenty of tartan in stock.”

For his eighteenth birthday a rich aunt gives Paul a bale of tartan and money to have a kilt made. He goes to a kilt maker and gets measured up. As he’s a bit shy he asks the kilt maker to make some matching undies. Two weeks later Paul goes back to the shop.
"Your kilt and underwear are ready,” says the kilt maker. “and there was five yards of material left over.”
“That’s grand,” replies Paul, “Maybe I could get my girlfriend a matching kilt.”
Paul rushed home. Excitedly he pulls on the kilt. He loves it so much he immediately dashes round to show his girlfriend. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answers the door, Paul does a twirl and said, "Well, what do you think?"
"Wow," she exclaims.
"But here’s the biggest surprise,” he screeches, yanking up the kilt, “have you ever seen anything like that?”
"Oh, my God," says his girlfriend, “that’s amazing.”
"Well I've got five more yards at home,” says Paul eagerly. “I’d be ha
ppy to let you have it anytime"
 

Bagpipe Jokes

Bagpipes: The best way to terrorise the neighbours without the risk of getting an ASBO.

What’s the difference between a stone of Ayrshire Potatoes and a band of pipers.
It only takes twenty minutes to boil the potatoes.

If a piper was playing alone in a forest 100 miles from anywhere – would everyone still hate him?

What’s the difference between a piper and a mother-in-law.
Not everyone loathes their mother-in-law.

Bagpipes and the Loch Ness Monster have two things in common – they attract tourists and terrify little children.

What’s the difference between a set of bagpipes and Tommy Sheridan?
Tommy sues!

How do you get two pipers to play a perfect harmony?
Shoot one.

 

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