Why Did The Haggis Cross the
Scotland is an amazing, unique country with so much to celebrate:
spectacular islands, mountains, glens and lochs; a wonderful culture of
music, poetry and dance; a proud, though sometimes tragic history; a
national football squad that can hold its own against some of the best
Girl Guide teams in the world...
Then there's haggis, the Loch
Ness Monster, the kilt, whisky, Irn-Bru, heather, thistles, bagpipes and
so on...But there's one thing the Scots as a nation do particularly
well: they take the piss out of all of this! Yes - when the Scots tell a
joke it's usually at their own expense. So this collection of gems pokes
fun at just about everyone and everything from kilts and haggis through
footie and thriftiness to Sassenachs, Teeries, and Glaswegians.
Some of the jokes are old
favourites retold, some are brand new, and some are a few specimens
found on that internet thingy which have been massaged to make them
Kilts & Tartan Jokes
The Worst Scottish Jokes
The Scottish Character
Cannie Scots Jokes
The Rougher Side of Life
Scottish Light Bulb Jokes
Scottish Knock Knock Jokes
Love of Sheep
Glasgow Pub Quiz
Some Truly Scottish Insults
Why did the haggis cross the road . . .
Tartan & Kilt Jokes
A Japanese businessman goes into a kilt-makers to enquire about having
kilts made for his entire family. Realising that there’s a massive
profit to be made the kilt-maker is keen to get the sale.
“The only problem,” says the business man, “is that I don’t expect we
belong to any Scottish Clan.”
“Actually you do,” says the kilt-maker without hesitation,
“Tokushimanachahati is part of the MacGullible Clan – we have plenty of
tartan in stock.”
For his eighteenth birthday a rich aunt gives Paul a bale of tartan and
money to have a kilt made. He goes to a kilt maker and gets measured up.
As he’s a bit shy he asks the kilt maker to make some matching undies.
Two weeks later Paul goes back to the shop.
"Your kilt and underwear are ready,” says the kilt maker. “and there was
five yards of material left over.”
“That’s grand,” replies Paul, “Maybe I could get my girlfriend a
Paul rushed home. Excitedly he pulls on the kilt. He loves it so much he
immediately dashes round to show his girlfriend. Unfortunately, in his
excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answers the door, Paul does a twirl and said, "Well,
what do you think?"
"Wow," she exclaims.
"But here’s the biggest surprise,” he screeches, yanking up the kilt,
“have you ever seen anything like that?”
"Oh, my God," says his girlfriend, “that’s amazing.”
"Well I've got five more yards at home,” says Paul eagerly. “I’d be happy
to let you have it anytime"
Bagpipes: The best way to terrorise the neighbours without the risk of
getting an ASBO.
What’s the difference between a stone of Ayrshire Potatoes and a band of
It only takes twenty minutes to boil the potatoes.
If a piper was playing alone in a forest 100 miles from anywhere – would
everyone still hate him?
What’s the difference between a piper and a mother-in-law.
Not everyone loathes their mother-in-law.
Bagpipes and the Loch Ness Monster have two things in common – they
attract tourists and terrify little children.
What’s the difference between a set of bagpipes and Tommy Sheridan?
How do you get two pipers to play a perfect harmony?
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