he spotted something large splashing and
thrashing in the water. At first he thought it was his imagination - an
hallucination brought on by overexertion in his attempt to get a good
marathon time. He stared out across the water. Again movement. There was
something out there - something that he could not explain - he had to
investigate. He glanced at his running watch - 'Shit,' he exclaimed -
there was no chance of breaking 3 hours now.
He spotted a little rowing
boat moored nearby and decided to 'borrow' it for a short time. Willie
clambered aboard and rowed anxiously towards the splashing he could
still see in the distance. The closer Willie got to the disturbance the
more certain he was that he was about to experience something amazing -
something that, with just a few pictures and a badly written story, he
could sell to Scottish.biz for a vast amount of money.
Sure enough,
there was Nessie as large as life - and probably much larger than most
life! Willie stared up at the monster. Nessie stared down at the skinny
little runner in blue and pink running kit. It let out a strange noise
that sounded almost like laughter then plunged beneath the water.
Fortunately Willie managed to take a few pictures before Nessie and vanished forever.
Later, a rather stunned Willie
completed the Marathon, "I was nearly an hour slower than I expected
because of my little adventure," gasped Willie, "but to get a glimpse of Nessie it was all worth while. I will be back next year
but not to do the marathon - I would rather spend
the time searching for my big friend."
Willie's pictures -
indisputable proof that the Loch Ness Monster really does exist.
A Little History of a big Monster
Many sceptics suggest that the Loch Ness Monster (Nessie
as he is known to his friends) is a mere figment of the whisky inspired
imagination or a stunt to attract millions of visitors to the Inverness
area so that the locals can grow rich and no longer need to sell their
children into slavery so as to survive. All of this is of course
nonsense. There is documentation showing sightings of Nessie over the
course of the last 1300 years.
The earliest report of a monster appears in the Life of
St. Columba by Adomnán, written in the 7th century. According to Adomnán,
the Irish monk Saint Columba was walking near the loch with a companions
when he came across the locals burying a man by the River Ness. They
explained that the man had been swimming the river when he was attacked
by a "water beast" that had mauled him and dragged him down to his
death. They tried to rescue him but were too late. Hearing this, Columba
stunned the Picts by sending his follower Luigne moccu Min to swim
across the river. The beast chased after him, but Columba made the sign
of the cross and commanded: "Go no further. Do not touch the man. Go
back at once." The beast immediately halted as if it had been "pulled
back with ropes" and fled in terror.
So - if Saint Columba says there is a monster in the
loch there must be - saints never tell lies - and that's the truth
(which does not necessarily make me a saint for saying so).
The Loch Ness Monster - as pictured by Christian Spurling in 1934
Many years past and Nessie may have been forgotten when
the next sensational sighting occurred. This was in 1933 - when trains
and boats and planes had started a boom in tourism. By fortunate
coincidence, a Mr George Spicer and his wife saw a twenty-five foot long
creature amble across the road and, without so much as a wave, plunge
into the water. Since then, with the encouragement of eager journalists,
there have been many sightings and a number of photos taken. Perhaps one
of the most revealing of these in this exclusive interview Scottish.biz
had with a local witness, in 2010. Here is a transcript of our
interview:
Scottish.biz: Angus, tell us about your sighting of the
Loch Ness Monster.
Angus McHonest: Och, it was early one Sunday morning,
and I'd only had maybe five or six whiskies for I seldom drink much on a
Sunday. Well I thought to myself, 'Angus, you should take yourself down
to the loch and just take a wee look.' So I did - I went down to the
loch and took a wee look.
Scottish.biz: And what did you see Angus.
Angus McHonest: Ah well, now at first I didn't see a
thing, but then I realised it was my dark sunglasses, so I took them off
and there is was right in front of me . . .
Scottish.biz: You mean Nessie?
Angus McHonest: No, no laddie, not the monster. No, it
was the loch - right in front of me it was - as clear as day.
Scottish.biz: But you did see the monster - right?
Angus McHonest: Och, yes but that wasn't until
Wednesday. Now on that day I was cycling along the loch when this car
when whizzing past me - och he must have been doing at least twenty
miles per hour. Anyway I swerved to avoid him and went right off the end
of the road, down the slope and landed right in the water. I was very
nearly drowned, because I never did learn to swim after the incident
with the hamster when I was just six. So, just as I thought I was about
to meet my maker what do you think happened?
Scottish.biz: You were rescued by our wonderful
lifeguard service?
Angus McHonest: No, no, not at all - no they were all in
the pub. No, what happened was a huge, long neck appeared from under the
water. Two massive big eyes were staring at me. If I was not so
terrified of drowning I would have been terrified of it - but as it was
there didn't seem much point. But it was the monster - large as
life and very nearly bigger than death.
Scottish.biz: So did it attack you?
Angus McHonest: No - now here's the funny bit. It gently
lifted me up and put me down at the edge of the water. It carefully
removed my clothes, washed, spun dried them and ironed them neatly. And,
as I was putting them back on, it straightened the wheel of my bike and
mended the puncture. Then, before I could even say thanks, it was gone.
Scottish.biz: Wow, that's an amazing story - and you
guarantee that it's true.
Angus McHonest: Cross my heart and hope to die.
Scottish.biz: Well, your testimony surely finally proves
that there really is a monster in Loch Ness. Thank you for the exclusive
interview Angus.
Angus McHonest: You are very welcome - I'm only doing
what any good citizen would do and report the truth . . . by the way . .
. you mentioned a fee of £1000 . . . could I have that in Scottish notes
. . . .
The Loch Ness Monster - as pictured by Angus McHonest in 2010
