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From Bonnie Scotland we bring you the very best of Scottish . . .

Scottish Midges

Midges comprise many kinds of very small two-winged flies: found mostly in Scotland and in parts of North America (they migrated there during the Highland Clearances). The term does not encapsulate a well-defined taxonomic group: but includes animals in several families of Nematoceran Diptera. The habits of midges vary greatly among the component families: which include:

Anorexicmidge: These are fairly harmless insects - they may stare at you longingly but they rarely bite.

 

Blephariceridae: Net-winged midges


Cecidomyiidae (or Gaulomidge) : Gall midges - these came to Scotland when the Ancient Romans tried to invade. The Romans were sent packing but their midges remained.


Ceratopogonidae: Biting midges (also known as no-see-ums or punkies in North America)

 
Chaoboridae: Phantom midges - only bites in the night.

 
Chironomidae: Non-biting midges (also known as muffleheads in the Great Lakes region of North America) - these beasts are toothless so tend to suck rather than bite.


Deuterophlebiidae: Mountain midges - often spotted scaling the rocks around Ben Nevis.


Dixidae: Meniscus midges (these tend to be good dancers)

 

scottish midge

 

Effenmidges:These are the curse of the tourists and can attack without warning. You will often see groups of tourists at Luss running for their coach screaming, "Quick, get away, the Effenmidges are everywhere."

 

Glesgakiss Midden Midge: These mighty beasts live in the refuse bins in Glasgow Tenements. They come out at night and, after a wee drink, become very aggressive. they are likely to gang up on you and start a fight. Rather than bite you they will deliver a painful head-butt.

 

Gonaenodothatyaweebugger: A close relative of the Glesgakiss Midden Midge but more often found in the leafy suburbs such as Drumchapel and Easterhouse. When it is unable to get enough human blood this little pest will resort to eating deap fried Mars Bars.

 

Heilinflingayabugga: This little blighter is only found in the North of Scotland. It's bark is definitely worse than its bite, for it makes a constant droning noise that sounds like the bagpipes. It can be seen busking around tourists spots but also does ceilidhs and weddings.

 

Nessiemonstermidge: The largest of all the Scottish midges - some sightings suggest he could be sixty foot long. It is thought that this midge has survived from the Jurassic period. He has certainly become legendary with people coming from all around the world in the hope of spotting him.

 

A rare picture of a Nessiemonstermidge

midge

 

 

Sassenachidaeidaeidiot: Sometime referred to as Border-Raiders. These little pest can be found around the border between Scotland and England. By night the make excursions into Scotland and make off with our sheep, cattle, women and children. They are otherwise harmless.


Scatopsidae: Dung midges - sometimes refered to as WeeKeeks


Thaumaleidae: Solitary midges - they smell awful so have no friends.

 

 


 

Buy the Book : A Midge in the Hand is Worth Two Up Your Kilt

 

The Scottish language is rich in proverbs, sayings, maxims and wise aphorisms. Sadly, in the transition from the abacus to the computer most of these have become outdated. This hilarious, little book thrusts these expressions into the twenty-first century providing millennia of wisdom in a usable modern format. It covers everything from bagpipes to whisky with a few mentions of our dear neighbours, the Sassenachs thrown in.
So whether you are Scottish, a tourist visiting Scotland, an illegal immigrant gutting fish on Shetland or find this book abandoned on a Trans-Siberian train you are sure to be inspired and amused by our wit and wisdom.
The section on chat-up lines and insults will certainly help you should you venture into a Scottish pub or nightclub and could make the difference between getting a French kiss or a Glasgow kiss.

 

Midge Website
 

 

 

Buy the book online through your 'local' Amazon store.

 
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Pictures of the Midges

 

Scottish Midges get everywhere

Do not mess with these midges

A midge net makes anyone look glaiket

Midge Forecast at North Uist

A bite from a Scottish Midge can be very painful

Attack of the Midge

Midge Close Up

Scottish Midges having a wash

Midge killer A bit like emptying an ocean with a teaspoon

A tame midge Used by the farmer for rounding up sheep

A lone midge gets ready to attack

Midge Bites

A kilt loving midge that loves hairy Scotsmen

Midge Killer

Midge Chironomidae

Midge Girl

The Dancing Midge Cafe at Millport

As the tourists head for Scotland the midges practice their attack

Chironomus midge

Nessiemonstermidge a claimed sighting of this mysterious Scottish Midge

Scottish midge bite

Midge Mask or Mugger

Midge Ure has a very nasty bite

 

 



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More Scottish

 
Bonaparte from Capercaillie

O gu sunndach mi air m' astar,
Falbh gu siubhlach le bheag airtneul,
Do a chomhrag ri Bonaparte,
'S e bha bagairt air Righ deors'.
Illean chridheil, bitheamaid sunndach,
Seasaibh onoir ur duthcha,
Fhad's a mhaireas luaidh is fudar,
De rud chuireadh curam oirnn?
Chan eil gealtachd nan gnuis-san,
Cha toir iad grunnd do luchd a' bhosd.

Luchd nan osan gearr 's nam feileadh,
Cota sgarlaid orr' mar eideadh;
Gum bu ghasd' iad an am eirigh -
'S iad nach geilleadh an deidh an leon.

Ann am Bruxelles a chaidh innse
Gun robh Frangaich tigh'nn nam miltean:
'S cha bhreug huam gur h-i an fhirinn,
'S iomadh fear bhios sint' gun deo.

Nam biodh againn, mar bu dual dhuinn,
Lann Chinn-Ilich air ar gualainn,
Sgoilteamaid an cinn gun cluasan,
Gam bualadh le smuais nan dorn.

Bonaparte

I'm happy on my journey,
Travelling swiftly without flagging,
Heading off to do battle with Bonaparte,
He it was who threatened King George.

Brave lads, let's be merry,
Stand for the honour of your country,
As long as lead and powder last,
What could worry us?
Cowardice is not in their countenance,
They will never give ground to the boasters.

Men of the short hose and the kilts,
With their uniforms of scarlet coats;
Splendid they were in attack -
They would never yield though wounded.

In Brussels it was told
That the French were coming in their thousands:
I tell no lie but the truth,
any a man will be stretched out without breath of life.

If we only had, as was hereditary to us,
The great broadsword with Islay-wrought hilt on our shoulders,
We'd split their heads to their ears,
Pounding them with the smashing of our fists.

 
 
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